The Final Stage of Life, Part II (Ironic, right?)

Dear Friends,

How are you in these difficult times?

I have one last post on the topic of Terry and some lessons learned.

Money

Not everyone can save and invest as Terry could. She could have stretched her budget and lived in more upscale places, done a lot of shopping and travel but she grew up during the Depression and learned a lot about saving pennies, budgeting and investing. None of her investments were risky and she kept them for a long time, riding out the ups and downs of the American economy. She had money to enjoy retirement and money to use in those last years when she needed help. Continuous care residences are expensive and insurance doesn’t cover them.

Medical

She had great insurance. This is not a political statement - it’s a reality of life that treatment is expensive and we don’t all have access. Get the best insurance you can and go to the doctor early before your condition gets worse. 

Take the medicine you need and follow the instructions. Antibiotics don’t work if you take 1/10 of the recommended dose and then stop. Keep a list including your prescriptions, vitamins and over-the-counter medicine. If your list is getting complicated, long, and you are afraid you might forget, keep a copy of the list with your medicine and use pillboxes. Bring the list to each doctor’s appointment. They all ask for this information and if you are unwell, you might miss something.

If you’re concerned about hearing the doctor properly and adequately giving them information, if you are ill and unsure you'll remember instructions, someone else should be in the room with you. 

Start to research where you would go if you think it’s time or listen to feedback from others who know you. Let your feelings be known and document if you can.

Think about who would make decisions for your finances and health and complete the proper paperwork. Terry had a completed Power of Attorney form and that was helpful for banking. 

The Mayo Clinic has a great post about Living Wills and Advanced Directives to help you learn about these issues and processes. Have a frank discussion with your doctor and loved ones about what the options mean and which ones you have selected. The more paperwork and decisions in place, the easier it is for your loved ones to carry out your wishes. Different states have different laws and requirements, so if you move, find out if you have to make changes.

Make death plans. Some may donate bodies to medical science, others will choose burial or cremation. There are additional options such as headstone or plaque, ground or columbarium, scattered ashes or remaining in a container on a mantle. If you choose cremation, having a specified place to put cremains is a wise idea. If you want to be on a mantle, when your survivor dies, someone else has to decide what to do with your cremains. It’s burdensome.

Do you want a traditional funeral? Celebration of life? Obituary? These choices are to provide documentation and comfort for family and friends. You can present your wishes in advance in writing. One of the most interesting obituaries I saw was composed by the deceased who reflected on his life during a long illness. His humor, his proudest moments among is family and friends were noted. He expressed who he was in the years between the “dash” in his life, the dash being the mark between birth and death on the tombstone.

Whatever you decide, make those plans in advance. Loved ones will have enough emotion and details to tend to without sitting in offices reviewing options and do not need to guess about your wishes.

I have attended the funerals of my parents and both of my sisters. The stories I heard from their friends and other family members were a great way to celebrate their lives and hear what they meant to others. It is both comforting and inspiring to learn from others in a formal situation one last time.

Your Stuff

I have seen and experienced this: no one wants your stuff. Furniture is one thing, but I want to talk for a minute about other stuff.

Mama didn’t have much paperwork. She regularly discarded paid bills once the checks cleared and didn’t keep things longer than necessary by law. My sisters had a lot of papers from work and home and sorting through all of that was very demanding for their adult children. I moved toward autopay and paperless billing several years ago and the convenience and the idea of not drowning in paperwork is great for me and my (very far in the future, I hope) survivors.

Emotions and Grief

I went to an Alzheimers Support Group and the leader mentioned “grief and relief” when someone dies of a disease that has tortured the mind and/or the body. I don't know what others feel but I experienced this with loved ones who had lingering illness. 

Sudden loss is very different and in these COVID-19 times, survivors may not have those public services in person and may not have the comforting touch or hug. It's hard for mourners. Online services are helpful but no substitute for our needs as people.

I found it helpful to identify online forums for certain illness and life situations and the information and support I felt (and gave) was priceless.

The heart has no clock and we can be triggered into loss, dismay and mourning when hearing a song, a joke you want to share, seeing old letters and photos or even some movies. If you experience this loss and mourning even years after loss, it's normal. It's also normal to remember your loved ones with smiles and even jokes.

There are times when you should get help from a support group or professional if you find you cannot climb out of your sorrow, if you're depressed. Seeking help is a good thing.

My friends, I've explored this unexpected topic of aging, accommodating, seeking help and ultimately mourning and it is quite a bit different from my original intentions of identifying resources for considering retirement.

I hope these posts have been helpful and I will return to the other topic next time. I am eager to share our experiences of retirement (or not!) and a move to an active senior (age 55+) community.

Take care,

Marcia

That Final Stage of Life

Dear Friends,

I hope you're well in these challenging and difficult times.

This was going to be one long post but there is a lot to say so I am posting a section now and the next one when I can. This is a personal story along with some lessons.

I previously mentioned our elderly family member, ”Terry.” I chose a name not gender-specific so as to protect privacy. For this post, since Terry has died, I will use the pronoun “she” to make writing a little easier.

My husband has said that one of the last lessons we learn from our elders is how to live toward the end of life and how to die. I’ve thought about that a lot and this is why I decided to write about Terry and our lessons learned.

Terry was a professional. She started working right out of school and took time off when she had a child. She rose through the ranks due to her skills and ability to work with top executives and organize their work-lives. She was an avid reader with an extensive vocabulary and amazing memory for stories, names and places, and she knew how people and events shaped history. She loved to travel and did so for as long as she could.

Prior to a terrible diagnosis, I saw some signs of change. We took a long ride together as we went for her hearing aids and for the first time Terry was searching for words, sometimes sounding close to her intention but not quite there. Her house and clothes were neat and clean and there were no stacks of papers.

Yet something was wrong.

I was not sure what was happening and I had not been around many people in their late 80’s. There were some other signs showing me she needed to live nearby and have more assistance. We started researching places to live near us as we have limited space and stairs leading to the bedrooms and full bath. I read a lot during this time and could see certain needs might arise for which we would be unprepared if we scrambled at the last moment.

She had a health emergency and the decision was made for us. 

We researched several facilities and together we looked at them, discussing pros and cons, reading reviews and helping her make decisions. Terry had a beautiful house and a lot of furniture doesn’t fit into those smaller places. {Related post about “stuff.”} 

Through the National Association of Move Managers, we found a great service and they helped sort through possessions without the emotional component and managed reminiscing respectfully. With a new floor plan, together they decided the layout in advance and the professional packed, moved, unpacked and placed items in the right places.

There was a lot of resistance and heartbreak over letting go of a life of independence and decision-making without needing input from others. I can sympathize and cannot imagine how difficult this is for anyone making these decision.

Terry moved near us, and it’s a good thing we selected a local community. I learned immediately she needed help in a new environment and I made appointments for her and went to them, sitting in the room and reminding staff and doctors to speak a little louder and I provided information Terry did not share. With a vision problem and another condition making it difficult, I started managing the checkbook and would point to the line for Terry to sign. Good thing I’m honest!

Terry had good jobs and saved and invested covering the expenses of living in the facility. She had retired with a package supplementing Medicare and, having seen the bills pre-and-post insurance payments, it was a relief to know she had good coverage.

We saw Terry through many emergency room visits, hospitalizations, a care-worker in her home and finally memory care. I learned not to walk over to see Terry but take the car as I never knew what kind of condition she would be in. There were several times we thought “this is it” and then she rallied.

Her geriatrician had started a home visit program as many patients found it difficult to go to the office. That final doctor’s visit, I arrived early and Terry had not eaten much so we talked and I used the fork and started feeding her and she took a few more bites. I searched for conversation to have and knew she had visited Florida. I asked if they’d ever gone and do you remember the trip. There was a flood of memories with places and sights they had seen along the way and the most coherent conversation we’d had in some time. Before I left I stroked her hair, kissed her forehead several times, told her I loved her. She was looking at me and I felt she went from fully present to maybe being half here, half slipping into haziness. I wondered did she still know this was me or did she think I might be her mom as I was doing motherly things: feeding, kissing, stroking her cheek and hair. 

She died a few days later. We waited for the Neptune Society while in her room with her and talked about her life, her experiences, our great times together and all of her accomplishments. We were there about 4 hours. It gave us time to just sit together, take this in, celebrate her life and mourn her passing. We had selected a spot for the ashes in advance so we did not have those decisions to make.

Next time I will write about planning for this stage of life and later I’ll talk about the emotional part.

Take care, 

Marcia

Devices to Help as You Age

Dear Friends,

Although I never intended to write a lot here, mostly gather resources, I do like to add some information that might be helpful for others.

I’ve learned a few tips and tricks which may be useful whether you’re going to age in place or move. 

We have an elderly family member, ”Terry" [I wrote about this person in previous entries] and here are some things we got to help Terry at home. I’m providing some links to Amazon if you’d like to look at the items we bought or their latest suggestions. 

Another website called ElderStore has all kinds of useful items. They also provide use recommendations and some are reviewed by customers. The Senior Living site has a good post about determining your needs and reminders about using Medicare. Another useful site is A Place for Mom and this link is for a blog post on must-have assistive devices.

If you like some of the ideas, you might comparison shop at your local medical supply store or online. 

You should first check your insurance as some of these items may be covered. 

Here are some items I can vouch for: 

For Impaired Vision: Magnifying Glass - many options listed on Amazon  

Tabletop/mountable large font clock - I bought the American Image clock (made in the USA) with the time, date and day, battery back-up and alarm options

 

Large button simple TV remote control - we bought the Flipper Big Button Remote for 2 Devices. Because the extra buttons on the bottom confused Terry, we slide up the bottom to cover that row. 

For bladder leakage, a problem for both genders as we age, you can buy disposable pads to insert into underwear or use the adult “diapers” that look like underwear and aren’t detectable through clothing. An option suggested by the doctor was to buy washable underwear through Icon  or find a similar product on Amazon. They’re slim and provide different levels of protection. Although they are more expensive initially, they are better over time as you can launder them. 

Breaking glasses and plates? We bought Corelle dishes, very pretty, lightweight, and although I'm clumsy and have dropped them, they don't break. You can explore designs on this Amazon page and compare prices and items on the ShopWorldKitchen site. Terry had broken a few glasses and clean-up was a hazard. I bought her some acrylic juice glasses from ShopWorldKitchen and some 12-oz. plastic tumblers from Amazon. These glasses all look pretty, look like glass, but they are lightweight and hard to break.

General Safety - install handrails in the bathroom near the toilet and in the shower. If you need a shower chair, cane, walker, wheelchair or motorized chair, check with your local senior center. There may be a donation program. Be sure to get the right size for your needs. 

You can ask at the doctor’s office to see if they have a social worker or a physical therapist who can come to your home to make specific suggestions. These are great services and will really help you maintain a comfortable and safe home. 

Best wishes to you! 

Take care, 

Marcia

Caring for the Elderly

Dear Friends,

It's been some time since I've written, and you might recall it wasn't my intention to write a lot of posts but concentrate on bringing you some useful websites.

I've found that addressing things that are popping up in our lives is one way to help illustrate what happens as we age and as we care for elderly family members.

Here are a few observations and I hope they help you. I should tell you I'm very pragmatic and wouldn't deny myself glasses when I need them or hearing aids or a cane or any other help I eventually need.

Physical Health

There are many changes we hear about and others that are new and strange to us. It could be vision problems, maybe you've been pumping up the volume on the TV a bit too much. Are you having UTI's? (Urinary tract infections: see this link to the Mayo Clinic for information.) Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy? Those ads about "I've fallen and I can't get up" are out there for a reason. There are other changes that lead us to need adult diapers. I took my relative to the urologist who said most women will eventually need these diapers and pads so if you notice changes, confirm with your doctor and go shopping.

As we age our bodies and various parts outside and inside change and you have to be attuned to your body to know when something is changing, and if you note something different, act right away. We don't bounce back as we did while in our 20's or 30's and the ramifications of waiting too long can be costly.

Mental Health

I have a terrible memory and have joked that it'll be hard to know when my memory starts going! Observing my family member mentioned in early posts, we can see some changes such as searching for words, substituting other words, confusion over details, scheduling challenges, and feeling upset, angry, confused or upset about these challenges.

I read that distraction is helpful when your loved one is upset and my family member's experience is that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I was taking someone to the doctor and she was upset about the appointment, so I asked about her family members and what color eyes and hair they had when they were young. In that case, distraction worked and we passed the time talking about those early memories.

Some people make photo albums with large pictures of family and friends and labels in large font, useful for reviewing prior to visits and nice to just reminisce.

I think that when we start to become more uncertain of recent memories and tasks, it's helpful and soothing to talk about things we know well such as childhood experiences. The person is on steadier ground than trying to remember everything a doctor says in a long appointment or any of the other demanding tasks one faces.

Social Isolation

Each doctor, nurse, caretaker, social worker and other experts we met talked about the studies indicating how important being social is, especially as we age. 

It isn't enough to greet another, we must join activities and make friendships with other people. It helps exercise your brain and keeps you in touch with other people. How many friends do you have? Do you get together often? Is it activity oriented or do you have real time to talk? We humans seem to decline when we don't have this stimulation and friendship. I should add that in one article, a house-bound gentleman said he learned how to use Facebook and now chats with people, enjoys learning about their opinions and activities and feels less lonely.

I hope these short tips are helpful and encourage you to go to relevant websites and read more about specific conditions. I have links on the Health and Safety page and that's a start. You can ask your doctor for other tips and information, and I encourage you to add your own tips in the comments section.

Take care,

Marcia

Change of Plans, Dealing with Disappointment and Moving Forward

Dear Friends,

How are you doing? Are you staying busy and engaged, having fun and seeing friends?

We've all had changes and disappointments in life and it's a good thing. It teaches us how to cope with and overcome additional difficulties or disappointments.

We (me a little more so) had been thinking about our future and where we might want to live when we retire. Not only the physical location and home, but our activities and interests. I've been daydreaming about this for some time.

I mentioned in earlier posts about an elderly relative who needs some help, and this need comes ahead of everything else. This altered our timeline and therefore just about everything else you can think about.

I am concerned and upset about this person's needs. I take "Terry" to all medical appointments and sit in the room to ask questions and take notes. I schedule appointments and help when asked with the checkbook and other needs. Some weeks it's a small amount of time and other weeks it's many hours and it's taxing emotionally. 

It was my decision to help in this way and I think it's the right thing to do and I want to be sure things are on track for Terry.

Now having said that, I'm going to admit that when this all happened and our plans were suddenly changed, I went into an angry, resentful period in which I was grieving our delayed plans. I basically threw myself a pity party. Although I did not show this side to Terry, my husband knew from some comments I made how upset I was. 

As we age, and we're in great health now, there is an unpredictability that comes along with the process and our good health is not assured. I knew I could indulge myself for just so long and then I'd need to get past it and get on with life, a different life than I had in mind.

Because of my earlier challenges in life, some much harder than others, I knew I could get through this cycle, reinvent the dream, find a way to be more content with life as it is. I had to give myself a little time and leaned on some dear friends. It helped a lot. I have a way to go but think I'm on the right path. 

On one forum, someone wrote about a book called "This is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place You Live" by Melody Warnick. Others in the forum also recommended it. One person wrote that she and her husband thought they needed to move to be closer to activities they enjoy, but they had to change their plans. Thanks to this book, they started exploring little shops and cafes nearby that they hadn't visited previously and they are finding themselves to be more content with their lives. It opened their eyes.

Even though I'm feeling much better, I'm going to read this book after the 10 or so other books on my list. Let me know if you have read it or if you have other ideas.

Take care,

Marcia

Friendship Update and Two Videos for You

Dear Friends,

I hope you're well.

In my last post I wrote about friendship. Recently, I attended a meeting for job seekers with an interesting speaker. I'm not looking but I heard he was great so I wanted to hear the latest. At my table sat a woman who, during lunch, asked the most interesting and best questions of another attendee. As I was leaving, she said she'd like to get together for coffee and gave me her card.

We later went for coffee and stayed for about 4 hours of talk! We had a wonderful time and I know I've found a new terrific friend. 

It all could have been different. She might not have spoken up, maybe just given me her card, but she gave me an invitation and I accepted. Isn't it interesting how one small choice or the ability to take a chance can enrich you so?

I've found loads of funny animal videos and some good ones with grown-ups, as well. Here's one that's humorous and it's called "Things Not to Say To An Old Person." I also enjoy the TED Talks and am linking a top-rated talk by Amy Cuddy called "Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are."

Enjoy!

Best wishes,

Marcia

Making New Friends and Losing Old Ones

Dear Friends,

I hope you're well.

When my aunt was in her 60's, I asked what she found hard about getting older. She said she could deal with physical changes but losing family and friends was hard. She advised me to always stay busy and involved and keep meeting new people and making friends of different ages. As some move or die, you will still have friends to call.

This advice stayed with me and I've always enjoyed meeting people both in and outside of my age group.

I've always had only a couple of really good friends, a lot of nice friends but not as close, and then a lot of acquaintances I call friends. I've had some great friends who float in and out of my life, seeing each other rarely but enjoying the heck out of our time together. And I have had some great friends who just drift away, like our time together was intense and then done. 

And all of that is okay.

We've lived in a townhouse complex for years and our habit was to pull into the garage after long workdays and go directly inside. 

I didn't make friends here.

Thanks to a political dust-up with our homeowners association, I talked with various neighbors. One neighbor had lived 3 doors away from us for around 17 years. Let's call her "Sue." I guess because our kids were out of the house that we finally had time for ourselves and we hit it off. We shared a similar worldview and sense of humor, both of us crazy about the movies and other interests. She became a dear friend. 

Sue and her husband had been thinking about moving and just didn't know where they would go until one weekend when they visited friends in another area of California. They loved the place and within a couple of months their house was sold and they were gone.

During their last weeks here, Sue said she had told her husband she would miss me. He pointed out that one great thing this proved was that we are not "too old" to make new friends and we can find people right under our noses that we'd enjoy being around.

I've thought about that a lot and appreciate that her husband said the right words and I received them second-hand and they meant something to me. I also know that realizing they would be gone soon, we both talked about things that were deep in our hearts, worries and experiences, joys and hopes. It's rare to have those types of conversations.

Now I want to mention loss. I know a woman who developed memory problems at a far too young age. Her friends miss the person she was and will never be again. I know that this will happen to many friends and maybe family in our future.

A former colleague, mentor and friend died suddenly in an accident and although it has been a few years, I still miss him. Some people are so special and irreplaceable. And that's life, too.

I hope you go out on a limb and meet new people. Be brave and put yourself out there and see what you have in common and what you can learn from others.

I wish you friendship. 

Best wishes,

Marcia