Settling Into a New Place

Dear Friends,

I haven't written on this site for some time. I have no excuses but plenty of explanations. 

If you read other pages on this blog, you know I was helping with an elderly relative and I learned a lot about that process, health, medical needs, physical changes, asking questions and resettling someone who could not have done it alone. I wrote about this in previous posts and have had time to mull over the lessons we learned. 

My sister died in March, 2020, and I'm still uncertain as to the reasons for her death. Was it COVID or something similar that caused the damage to her body? Her death was personally devastating for many reasons and it has taken me some time to let my grief settle in and just become a part of me rather than the focus.

We moved across the country in June, 2020 and live in a 55+ retirement community, something that for years I thought I would not want. Living in a neighborhood with families of various ages and seeing the children in the pool, playing outside, Trick or Treating, hearing them learn and practice their instruments (at times: eeeekkkkk!), and seeing them grow was wonderful.

Until it wasn't.

I noticed some of the older people in our neighborhood had a harder time connecting socially, some had a harder time taking neighborhood walks, some needed help and were searching for stair-assist devices. And then we had the experiences with "Terry" - the loved one I wrote about who we first helped move to a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community with independent living, assisted care and memory care) and then a specialized memory care facility. 

It made us think about what we wanted for this stage when we're retired (at least I am, my husband still works). Where did we want to live? What's important to us now? What activities are of interest? Should it be a small or large community? And so on.

We researched options based on the proximity to family and I'm glad that was a leading criteria. We have been able to visit quite a bit and it is great having a spontaneous gathering or family dinner without making plane reservations. So my first suggestion is to think carefully about what is most important to you at this stage and consider your plans for aging in place or moving again. More on that in an upcoming post.

Take care,

Marcia

Organizing Final Documents

Dear Friends,

Well, I thought we were past death planning and then I got an email from a friend.

We were discussing how people plan for end of life from a legal and financial perspective. She said there are ways to use these products as a comprehensive system, and I think there are some great ideas. Here's her note:

"The major system is called "Get It Together" (there’s a pun there). It’s published by Nolo Press. They often have sales, so if you are not in a hurry, you can periodically check their site. I am on their mailing list and would be happy to alert you when they have a sale. You are welcome to preview my book before you decide whether it’s something you want to purchase. Here’s the link to Nolo Press: https://store.nolo.com/products/get-it-together-get.html

 There is an optional Planner. It’s a large binder with pre-printed tabs. I use it for copies of most of the documents because many of the originals are in a separate binder that we may eventually put into a safe deposit box. In the interim, I keep original documents in a fireproof box and I update the binder as time permits or new documents are created.   Here’s the link to Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Binder-create-your-personal-planner/dp/B079YZ5B1D.

The next piece is the hardcopy (and e-file) system I use for related materials. It’s called HOMEFILE: Financial Planning Organizer Kit. Here’s the link to Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076ZQ7X1F?tag=duckduckgo-osx-20&linkCode=osi&th=1&psc=1.

Many of our documents are scanned into another computer software system I use (Paperless for Mac by Mariner Software). I create e-files that mirror the Homefile system and save the documents there. While that software has its own backup system, I am a belt and suspenders kind of gal when it comes to electronics, so all the scanned documents are also saved to a portable external harrddrive that can easily travel with me.

The last piece is to find what I call an electronic vault. Our broker and our credit union both have them, They offer free storage independent of your home system and presumably safe from typical home hazards. An added advantage is the ability to grant access to your estate Executor/Executrix or anyone you choose. We upload documents for various professionals we consult. The electronic vault is specially helpful if people live out-of-state. The remote log-in gives them a leg up so they can make plans and in some cases, take the necessary action. Given the digital nature of the world, it can also save time by sending documents to various third-parties who can decide whether they are sufficient for whatever needs to be done. Original documents can always be provided later."

I hope this information helps you as it does me. This is the year to organize!

  

Take care,

Marcia

The Final Stage of Life, Part II (Ironic, right?)

Dear Friends,

How are you in these difficult times?

I have one last post on the topic of Terry and some lessons learned.

Money

Not everyone can save and invest as Terry could. She could have stretched her budget and lived in more upscale places, done a lot of shopping and travel but she grew up during the Depression and learned a lot about saving pennies, budgeting and investing. None of her investments were risky and she kept them for a long time, riding out the ups and downs of the American economy. She had money to enjoy retirement and money to use in those last years when she needed help. Continuous care residences are expensive and insurance doesn’t cover them.

Medical

She had great insurance. This is not a political statement - it’s a reality of life that treatment is expensive and we don’t all have access. Get the best insurance you can and go to the doctor early before your condition gets worse. 

Take the medicine you need and follow the instructions. Antibiotics don’t work if you take 1/10 of the recommended dose and then stop. Keep a list including your prescriptions, vitamins and over-the-counter medicine. If your list is getting complicated, long, and you are afraid you might forget, keep a copy of the list with your medicine and use pillboxes. Bring the list to each doctor’s appointment. They all ask for this information and if you are unwell, you might miss something.

If you’re concerned about hearing the doctor properly and adequately giving them information, if you are ill and unsure you'll remember instructions, someone else should be in the room with you. 

Start to research where you would go if you think it’s time or listen to feedback from others who know you. Let your feelings be known and document if you can.

Think about who would make decisions for your finances and health and complete the proper paperwork. Terry had a completed Power of Attorney form and that was helpful for banking. 

The Mayo Clinic has a great post about Living Wills and Advanced Directives to help you learn about these issues and processes. Have a frank discussion with your doctor and loved ones about what the options mean and which ones you have selected. The more paperwork and decisions in place, the easier it is for your loved ones to carry out your wishes. Different states have different laws and requirements, so if you move, find out if you have to make changes.

Make death plans. Some may donate bodies to medical science, others will choose burial or cremation. There are additional options such as headstone or plaque, ground or columbarium, scattered ashes or remaining in a container on a mantle. If you choose cremation, having a specified place to put cremains is a wise idea. If you want to be on a mantle, when your survivor dies, someone else has to decide what to do with your cremains. It’s burdensome.

Do you want a traditional funeral? Celebration of life? Obituary? These choices are to provide documentation and comfort for family and friends. You can present your wishes in advance in writing. One of the most interesting obituaries I saw was composed by the deceased who reflected on his life during a long illness. His humor, his proudest moments among is family and friends were noted. He expressed who he was in the years between the “dash” in his life, the dash being the mark between birth and death on the tombstone.

Whatever you decide, make those plans in advance. Loved ones will have enough emotion and details to tend to without sitting in offices reviewing options and do not need to guess about your wishes.

I have attended the funerals of my parents and both of my sisters. The stories I heard from their friends and other family members were a great way to celebrate their lives and hear what they meant to others. It is both comforting and inspiring to learn from others in a formal situation one last time.

Your Stuff

I have seen and experienced this: no one wants your stuff. Furniture is one thing, but I want to talk for a minute about other stuff.

Mama didn’t have much paperwork. She regularly discarded paid bills once the checks cleared and didn’t keep things longer than necessary by law. My sisters had a lot of papers from work and home and sorting through all of that was very demanding for their adult children. I moved toward autopay and paperless billing several years ago and the convenience and the idea of not drowning in paperwork is great for me and my (very far in the future, I hope) survivors.

Emotions and Grief

I went to an Alzheimers Support Group and the leader mentioned “grief and relief” when someone dies of a disease that has tortured the mind and/or the body. I don't know what others feel but I experienced this with loved ones who had lingering illness. 

Sudden loss is very different and in these COVID-19 times, survivors may not have those public services in person and may not have the comforting touch or hug. It's hard for mourners. Online services are helpful but no substitute for our needs as people.

I found it helpful to identify online forums for certain illness and life situations and the information and support I felt (and gave) was priceless.

The heart has no clock and we can be triggered into loss, dismay and mourning when hearing a song, a joke you want to share, seeing old letters and photos or even some movies. If you experience this loss and mourning even years after loss, it's normal. It's also normal to remember your loved ones with smiles and even jokes.

There are times when you should get help from a support group or professional if you find you cannot climb out of your sorrow, if you're depressed. Seeking help is a good thing.

My friends, I've explored this unexpected topic of aging, accommodating, seeking help and ultimately mourning and it is quite a bit different from my original intentions of identifying resources for considering retirement.

I hope these posts have been helpful and I will return to the other topic next time. I am eager to share our experiences of retirement (or not!) and a move to an active senior (age 55+) community.

Take care,

Marcia

That Final Stage of Life

Dear Friends,

I hope you're well in these challenging and difficult times.

This was going to be one long post but there is a lot to say so I am posting a section now and the next one when I can. This is a personal story along with some lessons.

I previously mentioned our elderly family member, ”Terry.” I chose a name not gender-specific so as to protect privacy. For this post, since Terry has died, I will use the pronoun “she” to make writing a little easier.

My husband has said that one of the last lessons we learn from our elders is how to live toward the end of life and how to die. I’ve thought about that a lot and this is why I decided to write about Terry and our lessons learned.

Terry was a professional. She started working right out of school and took time off when she had a child. She rose through the ranks due to her skills and ability to work with top executives and organize their work-lives. She was an avid reader with an extensive vocabulary and amazing memory for stories, names and places, and she knew how people and events shaped history. She loved to travel and did so for as long as she could.

Prior to a terrible diagnosis, I saw some signs of change. We took a long ride together as we went for her hearing aids and for the first time Terry was searching for words, sometimes sounding close to her intention but not quite there. Her house and clothes were neat and clean and there were no stacks of papers.

Yet something was wrong.

I was not sure what was happening and I had not been around many people in their late 80’s. There were some other signs showing me she needed to live nearby and have more assistance. We started researching places to live near us as we have limited space and stairs leading to the bedrooms and full bath. I read a lot during this time and could see certain needs might arise for which we would be unprepared if we scrambled at the last moment.

She had a health emergency and the decision was made for us. 

We researched several facilities and together we looked at them, discussing pros and cons, reading reviews and helping her make decisions. Terry had a beautiful house and a lot of furniture doesn’t fit into those smaller places. {Related post about “stuff.”} 

Through the National Association of Move Managers, we found a great service and they helped sort through possessions without the emotional component and managed reminiscing respectfully. With a new floor plan, together they decided the layout in advance and the professional packed, moved, unpacked and placed items in the right places.

There was a lot of resistance and heartbreak over letting go of a life of independence and decision-making without needing input from others. I can sympathize and cannot imagine how difficult this is for anyone making these decision.

Terry moved near us, and it’s a good thing we selected a local community. I learned immediately she needed help in a new environment and I made appointments for her and went to them, sitting in the room and reminding staff and doctors to speak a little louder and I provided information Terry did not share. With a vision problem and another condition making it difficult, I started managing the checkbook and would point to the line for Terry to sign. Good thing I’m honest!

Terry had good jobs and saved and invested covering the expenses of living in the facility. She had retired with a package supplementing Medicare and, having seen the bills pre-and-post insurance payments, it was a relief to know she had good coverage.

We saw Terry through many emergency room visits, hospitalizations, a care-worker in her home and finally memory care. I learned not to walk over to see Terry but take the car as I never knew what kind of condition she would be in. There were several times we thought “this is it” and then she rallied.

Her geriatrician had started a home visit program as many patients found it difficult to go to the office. That final doctor’s visit, I arrived early and Terry had not eaten much so we talked and I used the fork and started feeding her and she took a few more bites. I searched for conversation to have and knew she had visited Florida. I asked if they’d ever gone and do you remember the trip. There was a flood of memories with places and sights they had seen along the way and the most coherent conversation we’d had in some time. Before I left I stroked her hair, kissed her forehead several times, told her I loved her. She was looking at me and I felt she went from fully present to maybe being half here, half slipping into haziness. I wondered did she still know this was me or did she think I might be her mom as I was doing motherly things: feeding, kissing, stroking her cheek and hair. 

She died a few days later. We waited for the Neptune Society while in her room with her and talked about her life, her experiences, our great times together and all of her accomplishments. We were there about 4 hours. It gave us time to just sit together, take this in, celebrate her life and mourn her passing. We had selected a spot for the ashes in advance so we did not have those decisions to make.

Next time I will write about planning for this stage of life and later I’ll talk about the emotional part.

Take care, 

Marcia

Devices to Help as You Age

Dear Friends,

Although I never intended to write a lot here, mostly gather resources, I do like to add some information that might be helpful for others.

I’ve learned a few tips and tricks which may be useful whether you’re going to age in place or move. 

We have an elderly family member, ”Terry" [I wrote about this person in previous entries] and here are some things we got to help Terry at home. I’m providing some links to Amazon if you’d like to look at the items we bought or their latest suggestions. 

Another website called ElderStore has all kinds of useful items. They also provide use recommendations and some are reviewed by customers. The Senior Living site has a good post about determining your needs and reminders about using Medicare. Another useful site is A Place for Mom and this link is for a blog post on must-have assistive devices.

If you like some of the ideas, you might comparison shop at your local medical supply store or online. 

You should first check your insurance as some of these items may be covered. 

Here are some items I can vouch for: 

For Impaired Vision: Magnifying Glass - many options listed on Amazon  

Tabletop/mountable large font clock - I bought the American Image clock (made in the USA) with the time, date and day, battery back-up and alarm options

 

Large button simple TV remote control - we bought the Flipper Big Button Remote for 2 Devices. Because the extra buttons on the bottom confused Terry, we slide up the bottom to cover that row. 

For bladder leakage, a problem for both genders as we age, you can buy disposable pads to insert into underwear or use the adult “diapers” that look like underwear and aren’t detectable through clothing. An option suggested by the doctor was to buy washable underwear through Icon  or find a similar product on Amazon. They’re slim and provide different levels of protection. Although they are more expensive initially, they are better over time as you can launder them. 

Breaking glasses and plates? We bought Corelle dishes, very pretty, lightweight, and although I'm clumsy and have dropped them, they don't break. You can explore designs on this Amazon page and compare prices and items on the ShopWorldKitchen site. Terry had broken a few glasses and clean-up was a hazard. I bought her some acrylic juice glasses from ShopWorldKitchen and some 12-oz. plastic tumblers from Amazon. These glasses all look pretty, look like glass, but they are lightweight and hard to break.

General Safety - install handrails in the bathroom near the toilet and in the shower. If you need a shower chair, cane, walker, wheelchair or motorized chair, check with your local senior center. There may be a donation program. Be sure to get the right size for your needs. 

You can ask at the doctor’s office to see if they have a social worker or a physical therapist who can come to your home to make specific suggestions. These are great services and will really help you maintain a comfortable and safe home. 

Best wishes to you! 

Take care, 

Marcia

Caring for the Elderly

Dear Friends,

It's been some time since I've written, and you might recall it wasn't my intention to write a lot of posts but concentrate on bringing you some useful websites.

I've found that addressing things that are popping up in our lives is one way to help illustrate what happens as we age and as we care for elderly family members.

Here are a few observations and I hope they help you. I should tell you I'm very pragmatic and wouldn't deny myself glasses when I need them or hearing aids or a cane or any other help I eventually need.

Physical Health

There are many changes we hear about and others that are new and strange to us. It could be vision problems, maybe you've been pumping up the volume on the TV a bit too much. Are you having UTI's? (Urinary tract infections: see this link to the Mayo Clinic for information.) Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy? Those ads about "I've fallen and I can't get up" are out there for a reason. There are other changes that lead us to need adult diapers. I took my relative to the urologist who said most women will eventually need these diapers and pads so if you notice changes, confirm with your doctor and go shopping.

As we age our bodies and various parts outside and inside change and you have to be attuned to your body to know when something is changing, and if you note something different, act right away. We don't bounce back as we did while in our 20's or 30's and the ramifications of waiting too long can be costly.

Mental Health

I have a terrible memory and have joked that it'll be hard to know when my memory starts going! Observing my family member mentioned in early posts, we can see some changes such as searching for words, substituting other words, confusion over details, scheduling challenges, and feeling upset, angry, confused or upset about these challenges.

I read that distraction is helpful when your loved one is upset and my family member's experience is that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I was taking someone to the doctor and she was upset about the appointment, so I asked about her family members and what color eyes and hair they had when they were young. In that case, distraction worked and we passed the time talking about those early memories.

Some people make photo albums with large pictures of family and friends and labels in large font, useful for reviewing prior to visits and nice to just reminisce.

I think that when we start to become more uncertain of recent memories and tasks, it's helpful and soothing to talk about things we know well such as childhood experiences. The person is on steadier ground than trying to remember everything a doctor says in a long appointment or any of the other demanding tasks one faces.

Social Isolation

Each doctor, nurse, caretaker, social worker and other experts we met talked about the studies indicating how important being social is, especially as we age. 

It isn't enough to greet another, we must join activities and make friendships with other people. It helps exercise your brain and keeps you in touch with other people. How many friends do you have? Do you get together often? Is it activity oriented or do you have real time to talk? We humans seem to decline when we don't have this stimulation and friendship. I should add that in one article, a house-bound gentleman said he learned how to use Facebook and now chats with people, enjoys learning about their opinions and activities and feels less lonely.

I hope these short tips are helpful and encourage you to go to relevant websites and read more about specific conditions. I have links on the Health and Safety page and that's a start. You can ask your doctor for other tips and information, and I encourage you to add your own tips in the comments section.

Take care,

Marcia

Change of Plans, Dealing with Disappointment and Moving Forward

Dear Friends,

How are you doing? Are you staying busy and engaged, having fun and seeing friends?

We've all had changes and disappointments in life and it's a good thing. It teaches us how to cope with and overcome additional difficulties or disappointments.

We (me a little more so) had been thinking about our future and where we might want to live when we retire. Not only the physical location and home, but our activities and interests. I've been daydreaming about this for some time.

I mentioned in earlier posts about an elderly relative who needs some help, and this need comes ahead of everything else. This altered our timeline and therefore just about everything else you can think about.

I am concerned and upset about this person's needs. I take "Terry" to all medical appointments and sit in the room to ask questions and take notes. I schedule appointments and help when asked with the checkbook and other needs. Some weeks it's a small amount of time and other weeks it's many hours and it's taxing emotionally. 

It was my decision to help in this way and I think it's the right thing to do and I want to be sure things are on track for Terry.

Now having said that, I'm going to admit that when this all happened and our plans were suddenly changed, I went into an angry, resentful period in which I was grieving our delayed plans. I basically threw myself a pity party. Although I did not show this side to Terry, my husband knew from some comments I made how upset I was. 

As we age, and we're in great health now, there is an unpredictability that comes along with the process and our good health is not assured. I knew I could indulge myself for just so long and then I'd need to get past it and get on with life, a different life than I had in mind.

Because of my earlier challenges in life, some much harder than others, I knew I could get through this cycle, reinvent the dream, find a way to be more content with life as it is. I had to give myself a little time and leaned on some dear friends. It helped a lot. I have a way to go but think I'm on the right path. 

On one forum, someone wrote about a book called "This is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place You Live" by Melody Warnick. Others in the forum also recommended it. One person wrote that she and her husband thought they needed to move to be closer to activities they enjoy, but they had to change their plans. Thanks to this book, they started exploring little shops and cafes nearby that they hadn't visited previously and they are finding themselves to be more content with their lives. It opened their eyes.

Even though I'm feeling much better, I'm going to read this book after the 10 or so other books on my list. Let me know if you have read it or if you have other ideas.

Take care,

Marcia